The love that dares not speak its name.

It was a year ago when I attended John's funeral. It was a solemn occasion; he had overdosed. The few of us there were family and friends that over the years had not deserted him. I suppose what made it even more difficult was that we had all seen it coming; but none of us knew what to do or even where to go for help.

A few years ago, John and I were having a beer on his porch. We were talking about overcrowded prisons for some reason. He said "I've been to prison", I thought he was joking so I said "For work?", "No, as a prisoner" he replied. I was a little surprised but not too much as I knew he use to do a little drugs. I casually asked "What were you charged for?" thinking it would probably be some minor charge for possession.

"Child molestation." he replied, I nearly spluttered beer down my shirt but I held myself together and tried to look calm. I managed an "Oh" but didn't know what else to say, I was uncomfortable to say the least but I knew he only told me this because he trusted me. After a short pause collecting my thoughts, I manage to ask how long and when he was incarcerated just to show that I was unfazed by this piece of information. After that, we went on to talk about other things as if nothing happened.

That night, I jumped on the internet to see what I could learn about paedophilia. The DSM (Diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) states that there is no proven treatment for paedophilia. The DSM classifies paedophilia as a disorder of adult personality and behaviour, it does not classify it as a mental disorder. 


This is an important distinction. Most people have a tiny tinge of some personality disorder. We all know of arrogant people who psychologically, can be said to display symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. People who are prone to worry can also be said to display symptoms of anxious personality disorder; the list goes on. After reading this, I was adamant that I would not let the fact that John was a convicted paedophile change our friendship, after all, he's been a good friend to me.


John's been single the whole time I've known him. One time we were talking about love and gay relationships, I said "Isn't it great that we can now be ourselves and love who we want?" The moment those words came out, I regretted saying it. John noticed this and just smiled. He went on to tell me that one of the last things he said to his counsellor before he left prison was "You'll never understand what it is like to not be allowed to love who you desire." For which the counsellor had no reply to.


After that conversation, I got to thinking why do paedophiles exist? Evolution must convey some benefits to them in order for them to exist. According to criminal statistics, most paedophiles are heterosexual as in they mostly are attracted to prepubescent girls. Could it be that having a relationship to prepubescent girls gave them direct access to the most fertile women the moment the girls hit puberty? I think it is a very logical explanation. Evolution is neither wrong or right, it is when biology and modern ethics collide where there arises many problems.


I was often afraid for John. I kept telling him to keep it quiet when he felt like telling people. I was very afraid that people would not understand and that many more people would ostracise him and drive him further into his depression. What I didn't know was that by telling him to suppress who he is, I was driving him further into depression too.


After the funeral, I looked on the internet to see if there were support groups for people like John. There was nothing, Nada, Zilch! I read that the way to help paedophiles is to redirect their sexual energy into constructive areas, channel their sexual love into non-sexual ones. With no support groups around, how are paedophiles able to get help? Also, psychologist and psychiatrist rarely conduct research into this subject due to its taboo nature. If we are to better resolve this issue of paedophilia, as a society we have to open it up to discussion and be honest about it. Failing to do so would just marginalise this segment of our population and drive them further underground; not to mention put our children at risk


When I think of John, it is always tinged with sadness. Regardless of his issues, he was a good man and a good friend. I shall always remember him fondly.

Stuck in an Unrequited Love

Something a little different this time. Just a story... (names have been changed for obvious reasons)

At a social gathering the other day, I was introduced to Lance and we got talking. Lance was extremely chatty and was soon regaling me with every detail of his life. I found it interesting that he could be so open about his personal life with a person he had just met. I suspected that was how he was with everyone he met and I found him quite refreshing to talk to. We somehow got on to the topic of relationships, so I asked him a question I've always wanted to ask a middle aged gay man.

"I have always wondered why many middle aged men go for much younger men, even though there are plenty of single men of their own age". He paused for a while and started to tell me about George...

"I am in love with someone, and have been in love with him for a long time" said Lance. "His name is George and we first met when I was only a teenager, back when we were in the same school musical production." Lance carried on after a short pause reminiscing, "He used to tease me by poking me with his clarinet, that was how we got friendly. I gradually fell in love with him; even though I was still too young to know it."

 "Then we lost contact for many years. For those years I often wondered what could have been.Then out of the blue I bumped into him again at a concert. We quickly got reacquainted again, this time both as out gay men."

I nodded and he ventured on "We got very close, we went on family holidays together. We got to know each other's family very well. I now feel like I belong to his family. George is everything that I had hoped for, a childhood crush that has returned into my life... except that he doesn't view me the way I see him.There is nothing I want more than having George as a partner, however, he only wants me as a friend; a friend with benefits and always on his terms"

"George is obsessed with young Asian men". That completely caught me off guard but I put on my best counselling face and just nodded. "When we go out together, he is always perving at Asian men whenever a young attractive one walks by, I get quite insulted when I catch him doing it. I have often expressed my anger at his behaviour only to be told that my sex life is not his responsibility."

At this point I'm not sure whether to give him a hug  for his pain or a good shake to wake him up from this romantic foolishness. I can see how people can be stuck in the romantic hope of eventually having their love returned but logically I can never truly understand it, I suppose I'm just not built that way.

Lance went on further and said, "I even asked George why he keeps me around if he's only interested in young Asian men; in which George intimated that with the Asian men he's met, there is nothing much to connect with after sex. I gather those he'd met had poor English and perhaps the age gap was just too big."

Afterwards, I got thinking... George would be the classic case of someone with Peter Pan syndrome. Like a child with a gluttony for sweets, attracted to a food that is addictive but ultimately never nourishing.

I ask Lance has any of his friends and family made any comments. He said "All our friends including George's closes friends have told me to move on, saying George is just not worth it but still find myself unable to let go." After hearing that, I realised that there is really nothing I can say that Lance would have not heard before. All I could do was to give him my most sympathetic nods as I listened on.

I'm not sure how the conversation ended, I think we just went on to talk about other things. Ah... Unrequited love, it always leaves a bitter sweet taste...

The French have a point- Full veil violates human rights.

Every time I see someone in a  full Burqa, I get alarmed. I can't help it. There's something about not being able to see someone's face that makes me very uncomfortable.

Recently in Auckland, there's been two cases of people in full face veils denied entry onto buses. The bus drivers have been reprimanded after complaints were filed against them. My sympathies are with the drivers. There have been many cases where bus drivers have been assaulted by passengers and there has even been a case where a taxi driver's been killed. I think drivers have a right to be able to see the faces of their passengers.

All Taxis in NZ now are required by law to have cameras for the safety of the drivers. Wouldn't that be a direct conflict to these laws to allow Burqas to be worn in public? There is a real security reason to ban Burqas. The New South Wales police has just been granted the right to ask for the removal of veils. Also, Banks do not allow entry to anyone concealing their faces (bike helmet, balaclava, burqa etc).

The primary reason I'm against Burqa is that it takes away a persons ability to communicate effectively. Facial cues are naturally a big part of communicating; a smile, a frown speaks volumes. It is detrimental to the quality of life for those behind the veil if they are not able to build relationships to their full capabilities. I'm surprised that proponents of women's rights haven't said a thing yet; burqas are a huge step back for women. Many would argue it's a woman's choice, I would argue it is not a choice when there's family and community pressure on women to wear burqa. It is also not a choise if a person grows up in that expectation and doesn't know it is even a choice.

Also, not being able to see someone's face automatically builds mistrust. Imagine your own reaction if someone wearing a balaclava knocks on your door or comes into a shop where you are; it is a natural human need to want to be able to identify the people sharing your space.

We must have an open debate on the burqa's imposition on human rights. We can not let political correctness and cultural or religious sensitivities rail road us into a lesser society.