It was a year ago when I attended John's funeral. It was a solemn occasion; he had overdosed. The few of us there were family and friends that over the years had not deserted him. I suppose what made it even more difficult was that we had all seen it coming; but none of us knew what to do or even where to go for help.
A few years ago, John and I were having a beer on his porch. We were talking about overcrowded prisons for some reason. He said "I've been to prison", I thought he was joking so I said "For work?", "No, as a prisoner" he replied. I was a little surprised but not too much as I knew he use to do a little drugs. I casually asked "What were you charged for?" thinking it would probably be some minor charge for possession.
"Child molestation." he replied, I nearly spluttered beer down my shirt but I held myself together and tried to look calm. I managed an "Oh" but didn't know what else to say, I was uncomfortable to say the least but I knew he only told me this because he trusted me. After a short pause collecting my thoughts, I manage to ask how long and when he was incarcerated just to show that I was unfazed by this piece of information. After that, we went on to talk about other things as if nothing happened.
That night, I jumped on the internet to see what I could learn about paedophilia. The DSM (Diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) states that there is no proven treatment for paedophilia. The DSM classifies paedophilia as a disorder of adult personality and behaviour, it does not classify it as a mental disorder.
This is an important distinction. Most people have a tiny tinge of some personality disorder. We all know of arrogant people who psychologically, can be said to display symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. People who are prone to worry can also be said to display symptoms of anxious personality disorder; the list goes on. After reading this, I was adamant that I would not let the fact that John was a convicted paedophile change our friendship, after all, he's been a good friend to me.
John's been single the whole time I've known him. One time we were talking about love and gay relationships, I said "Isn't it great that we can now be ourselves and love who we want?" The moment those words came out, I regretted saying it. John noticed this and just smiled. He went on to tell me that one of the last things he said to his counsellor before he left prison was "You'll never understand what it is like to not be allowed to love who you desire." For which the counsellor had no reply to.
After that conversation, I got to thinking why do paedophiles exist? Evolution must convey some benefits to them in order for them to exist. According to criminal statistics, most paedophiles are heterosexual as in they mostly are attracted to prepubescent girls. Could it be that having a relationship to prepubescent girls gave them direct access to the most fertile women the moment the girls hit puberty? I think it is a very logical explanation. Evolution is neither wrong or right, it is when biology and modern ethics collide where there arises many problems.
I was often afraid for John. I kept telling him to keep it quiet when he felt like telling people. I was very afraid that people would not understand and that many more people would ostracise him and drive him further into his depression. What I didn't know was that by telling him to suppress who he is, I was driving him further into depression too.
After the funeral, I looked on the internet to see if there were support groups for people like John. There was nothing, Nada, Zilch! I read that the way to help paedophiles is to redirect their sexual energy into constructive areas, channel their sexual love into non-sexual ones. With no support groups around, how are paedophiles able to get help? Also, psychologist and psychiatrist rarely conduct research into this subject due to its taboo nature. If we are to better resolve this issue of paedophilia, as a society we have to open it up to discussion and be honest about it. Failing to do so would just marginalise this segment of our population and drive them further underground; not to mention put our children at risk
When I think of John, it is always tinged with sadness. Regardless of his issues, he was a good man and a good friend. I shall always remember him fondly.
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